Okay kiddies, for some of my New York (and other upper East coast friends), a hurricane is a scary thing that only happens in Florida. Luckily for you I’m a Floridian who now lives in New York so I’m here to teach you how to prepare for a hurricane!
- BUY ALCOHOL NOW. If power goes out, you’ll get bored.
- Fill your bathtub with water so if power goes out, you can still flush the toilet
- Fill up every water bottle you have with water, or buy lots of water in case power goes out.
- Buy Jesus candles from the bodega. They’re cheaper and last longer than normal candles and it’s less likely that all your panicked neighbors will have bought them.
- Charge all your cool toys today before the storm. You’ll want your iPhone, laptop, kindle, iPad, iPod, iWhatever to work as long as possible.
- Buy enough food that doesn’t require refrigeration to last you three days. Peanut butter sandwiches anyone?
- Delete your internet browser history so in case you die, no one knows what kind of porn you like.
- Put valuable papers into a ziplock bag. You’ll want things like your ID and passport in a safe, waterproof place.
- Remove window screens and secure window A/C units. And if you’re lucky enough to have a porch or whatever, I hate you, but also remove any potential flying missiles like pumpkins and scarecrows.
- Stop by an ATM and get some cash just in case.
- If you ARE in an evacuation zone, EVACUATE. It’s annoying, but IF something happens and you stay, you’re not just taking a risk for yourself but also risking the lives of rescue workers.
- Get junk food now. You’ll be bored.
- If you’re a hipster with a battery powered radio, awesome. You can use that relic to get updates on the storm! (Spoiler alert: I don’t have a battery powered radio.)
- Have batteries for your flashlights.
- Put all your candles/flashlights/glowing mystical orbs in one location that’s easy to find in the dark. That way you’re not playing Helen Keller at 2am, trying to find a matchbox in a clutter drawer.
- Take a shower TONIGHT in case your apartment loses power and you don’t get to shower again for three days.
- You can buy baby wipes in case you don’t get to shower again for three days and you smell really horrible.
- If taping a magical X on your window makes you feel safe, go ahead and do that but it doesn’t really do anything. Feel free to also put a line of salt on the window frame or sheeps blood above the door. These are equally effective at warding off danger.
Enjoy the hurricane, kids!
More helpful (and humorous) information for my northeastern friends.
I can not state how important filling up your bathtub is- you will need that water to flush your toilet. If you don’t have a bathtub, fill up some empty 2 liter soda bottles or gallon milk jugs.
How to prepare for a hurricane:
A writing technique I hadn’t realized worked:
Required: know all major plot points or major scenes.
Step one: write out all of them in any given order.
Step two: find the one that goes last.
Step three: reverse engineer what would have had to have happened before that.
Stop seeing yourself as a list of problems. I caught myself thinking - this is when I was 34 - ‘I’ll write a book when my life begins’. I caught myself thinking this and I thought ‘What do I mean when my life begins?’ Then I realised what I meant was when I was finally properly thin and very smooth and my hair was naturally brilliant and I had a walk-in wardrobe like the one Carrie Bradshaw has in Sex and the City and my house was tidy and I’d finally gotten round to having a regular manicure and pedicure regime…I don’t know, just kind of perfect. Pretty, I guess, and kind of perfect, and everything was serene and calm. And then I started…this is the argument I’m having in my head, and the cleverer me is going ‘What the fuck are you on about? That’s never going to happen. If it was going to happen it would have happened by now. You’re 34. Your life has already begun. It began in 1975 when you were born. If you’re doing to do something, get on with it now. Stop waiting.’ I think women have this feeling of waiting - when I’ve just lost that bit of weight, then things will happen, then things will be possible. Stop seeing yourself as a list of problems, stop going ‘Everything will be fine when I’ve sorted these things out’, start enjoying your life now.
|—||Caitlin Moran on what advice she would give to young women (x)|
Joy. Hope. You have to keep open to the frequent, astonishing, random joyousness of life. Cynicism is the arterial furring of the soul. While any halfway sensible Western citizen tries to limit the amount of cholesterol they put in their bodies, lest their heart explode, we’ll happily chug down gallons of world-weariness a day, without ever wondering what it’s doing to our ability to stop feeling anxious and desolate, and actually to start enjoying our short mortal lives.
|—||Caitlin Moran (x)|