rat cuddles up with kitten [x]
OH MY GOD I CAN’T EVEN DEAL WITH THIS THE WAY IT SQUEEZES UNDER THE KITTEN’S LEG OH LORD SOMEBODY HOLD ME
“Virgin”
In conclusion, in order to prevent the spread of HIV and because it’s important to remain a virgin until marriage, you should practice anal sex.
Belvidere Belby, who had a fascination with the history of Voldemort’s rise and defeat, was incredibly ashamed to discover the similarities between his Animagus form and that of legendary traitor Peter Pettigrew.
However, after consulting Rubeus Hagrid and Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank’s The Acromantula Myth, Hermione Granger’s A Multiplicity of Misconceptions About Muggles (Volumes 4-7, as 1-3 were currently being rewritten for the fifth time and 8-19 were with her editor), and just about every biography ever written about Severus Snape, he made up his mind to disprove the stereotype.
He has more than succeeded.
Many a Hogwarts first-year, late for a class in some high tower, has glanced despairingly at the stair and turned to the nearest prefect for help. There must be some help, after all. There must be some shortcut. What is magic for, if not for shortcuts?
And the response they receive goes something like this:
“Yeah, there’s a shortcut alright. Now, first you’ll want to go about fifteen meters along the west corridor to where there’s the suit of armor holding a brass pineapple, and you’ll want to duck under his armpit before he hits you over the head, because there’s another passage there and you’ll want to follow that until you see the portrait of the archer wearing nothing but a figleaf, and you’ll have to avoid his arrows, but that’s the turn you want to take, which puts you near Ravenclaw Tower after a bit, so you might want to get really good at riddles because the statues near there can be really hard to pass otherwise, but just follow the main corridor up there until the second left, which takes you to the back way around Sprout’s office, so watch out for her Poisonous Purple Murtlaps, and once you’re clear of those you’ll want to take the slow-moving staircase up three flights, unless it’s a Tuesday, because on Tuesdays that staircase tends to evaporate, so bring a broomstick if you can’t transfigure yourself a stepladder, yeah? Anyway, after that—”
“That’s alright,” the first-year will say uneasily, “I’ll just take the long way, I think.”
Magic does provide shortcuts; it’s true. But these shortcuts are not for the faint of heart.
#never seen mccoy so irrationally and delightfully happy #and i’ve never seen spock more like a turtle that wants to crawl back into its shell omg
Magical architectural buffs declared the stair a phenomenal example of Rowenan charmswork on stone, one of the many treasured corners of a most marvelous building, and a credit to all wizardkind.
But Filius Flitwick persisted in thinking it a rather tedious morning commute.
We purchased a marvelous antique from Mr. Borgin last week, but given what happens when the candles are lit, we would very much like to enquire into his return policy.
#his terms probably aren’t very fair jsyk #I mean maybe just go to crate and barrel next time?
